another side of me

"I've been reading your blog, and I never realized this side of you Mel."
"What, did you think I was just some overly hormonal guy?"
"Yeah,  I'm sorry."
"Oh don't be sorry.  I still am."

loving more.

"You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts" — John Beckwith, Wedding Crashers

I always thought that I had been given a special gift: the ability to love a lot.

That idea never really sounded right in my mind, an ability to love a lot?  I couldn't quite figure it out. I came to some realization one day as I had spent time with my dream girl on paper: because I knew that she had a boyfriend, any attraction I could have for her had to be redirected to a platonic love (something made easier through my past experiences with females.)  Although at that moment I didn't love her, it had become quite clearer and easier for me to recognize that I could love her as a friend.

That was when I realized that it wasn't that I have an 'ability to love a lot.'  The ability has been more along the lines of being able to recognize the abundance of love God has available to all of us and then sharing that love— the gift I had been given has always been the ability to acknowledge and share His love, I just never realized it.  However, we are all able to and called to share in this love; as my friend put it, "We all can have a heavenly capacity to love."

Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God. Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love.

                                                                       1 John 4:7-8

cheesecake factory girl

This past week I had gone out to Cheesecake Factory where my friends and I were being served by this gorgeous waitress (cheesecake factory girl.)  I could not help but be drawn to gaze at her beautiful face; it was challenging not to glance at her smile with every presented opportunity.

My reason for posting this entry is that my behaviors during dinner caught me off guard.  Lent was over, therefore so was my Lenten Promise: I could have freely pursued the waitress [if she was my type.]  My surprising behaviors were my cold interactions with cheesecake factory girl— she was strictly my waitress and I was strictly the customer.  I was taken aback by my own demeanor; my personality had changed since Lent had passed.

During Lent
I had given up the pursuit of women; all of my interactions with females were without purpose or agenda.  My personality became friendlier and more outgoing in almost all of my interactions with females [including the ones I was attracted too.]  I was without fear of being considered a predator (since pursuit was out of the question) which allowed me to be more of myself.

Fast-forward to dinner
Now that Lent was over, despite not pursuing the waitress at cheesecake factory, I did not want to come off as a customer hitting on her and reacted adversely by being cold to her.  This bothers me greatly as I felt as if my own personality had been bound: although I did not want to pursue cheesecake factory girl, the possibility of pursuit held me captive from being my general friendly self as I had been during Lent.

This definitely bothers me and is something I would like to figure out and work on; seeking any revelations.

(I think I might have had a revelation as I wrote this, but I'll sit on it and post about it later)

the playbook

I was at dinner with a friend of mine, when I mentioned my Playbook— a collection of plays for me to use for someone I'm dating, my future wife, or just something to let a girl know how special she is to me.

Before your head starts going off on how conniving a playbook may be, read below something that could be in my playbook, but is borrowed from someone else:

melt for you
1 heart shaped tin
1 waterproof note
water
freezer
elegant delivery
flowers (optional)

My buddy was asking a girl to prom and did so in a very eloquent way.  He found a heart shaped tin and filled it halfway with water and placed it in the freezer.  After the layer of water had frozen over, he placed a laminated note on top of the layer of ice, and filled the rest of the tin with water and placed it in the freezer.  The end result was a block of ice with a note set in the middle in the shape of a heart.

He delivered the heart-shaped block of ice and instructed her to melt the ice to read the note.  After the heart had melted away, he brought out a bouquet of flowers as she read the note "My heart would melt for you if you went to prom with me."

conclusion
As I was speaking to my friend, I expressed my concern  about running out of things in my playbook or that my future wife would no longer be entertained by my antics; she addressed my concern by saying

"When you've met the right girl, you'll never want to stop doing the things you do and she'll never want to stop appreciating it."

patience.

Love is patient, love is kind.

                        1 Corinthians 13:4

i am amazed.

I am amazed that despite a distance of 3456 miles (5561 km,) a separation of 62 days, a dialogue focused solely on work, and a busy life schedule— I am amazed that I am still able to feel this much love for someone.

If this love is so amazing, and God is love; then God is truly amazing.

letting go.

There is the comparison that love is like holding a butterfly in your hand— hold on too tightly and you will crush the butterfly.

Love is about keeping your hands open and being able to let go, but having the hope or trust that the butterfly will stay in your hands.  Love is also about realizing that if the butterfly doesn't stay in your hand that for a moment you had something beautiful.

Like I've said before, with real love there is no loss.

just not yet.

Make me love my enemies, just not yet.

lenten promise redefined

"I gave up red meat and the pursuit of girls for lent."
"wouldn't that be a meat also?"

purity pebbles

Awhile ago, I was given a purity rock to help in my decision for a Lenten Promise.  I keep it adjacent to my pillow where it serves as a daily reminder. I have at times carried it with me to places like young adult events where pursuing females could be quite easy.

The purity rock has served a great reminder to me, but has also served an additional purpose whereby I've thrown it to a friend who could use the same reminder (helping me hold my friends accountable.)  As much utility as the purity rock provides, it proves to be very difficult to carry a rock in your pocket.  I came up with an alternative solution and went to my local Catholic store and purchased the following:

These purity pebbles are easy to carry and will serve as continuous reminder for me.  In addition, the pebbles allow me to throw them easily and help my friends stay accountable.  In a worst case scenario, I can even give them a good reminder by dropping a pebble in their shoe.

Friends be warned.

grocery store

as an addendum to the last post with the music video and all, I've always thought that one of two places to meet your future spouse is the grocery store or at church.

haven't realized yet

This is my theme song for life, or at least I think it is.  However, I'm not sure if it's "I just haven't met you yet," or if it's "I just haven't realized [it's you] yet."



haven't met you yet - michael buble
i'm not surprised, not everything lasts
i've broken my heart so many times, i stopped keeping track
talk myself in, i talk myself out
i get all worked up, then i let myself down

i tried so very hard not to lose it
i came up with a million excuses
i thought, i thought of every possibility

and i know someday that it'll all turn out
you'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
and i promise you, kid, that i give so much more than i get
i just haven't met you yet

i might have to wait, i'll never give up
i guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
wherever you are, whenever it's right
you'll come out of nowhere and into my life

and i know that we can be so amazing
and, baby, your love is gonna change me
and now i can see every possibility

and somehow i know that it'll all turn out
you'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
and i promise you, kid, i give so much more than i get
i just haven't met you yet

they say all's fair
in love and war
but i won't need to fight it
we'll get it right and we'll be united

and i know that we can be so amazing
and being in your life is gonna change me
and now i can see every single possibility

and someday i know it'll all turn out
and i'll work to work it out
promise you, kid, i'll give more than i get
than i get, than i get, than i get

oh, you know it'll all turn out
and you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
and i promise you kid to give so much more than i get
yeah, i just haven't met you yet

i just haven't met you yet
oh, promise you, kid
to give so much more than i get

i said love, love, love love,
love, love, love love
(i just haven't met you yet)
love, love, love love,
love, love
i just haven't met you yet

it's better.

There is the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all."  I agree, but with real love there never is a loss.

music makes the heart beat.

Last weekend I went to an event called Kollaboration 10 to hear Paul J Kim perform. During the event, I noticed on stage a solo female artist that had some persona about her.  She was 60+ rows away, so I didn't give it much additional thought.

During intermission, my friend swooned over said female artist as she walked by.  To aid him, I asked her to take a picture with us and sneakily photographed just the two of them; she definitely was not ugly.  I thought nothing more though because of my Lenten Promise and I accomplished my photo objective.

The next day, I visited Paul Kim's website and stumbled across a video with her.  In the video, I immediately was able to see her cutesy persona that originally caught my eye in the 6,000 seat amphitheater; she peaked my interest.  I sat there and listened to her music as the voice from her serenading song resonated deep into my being.

Music definitely has a place in my heart.

the CAR chart

While in class this past week, I was speaking with a friend on Skype when a conversation about Catholicism as an essential for a relationship was mentioned.  We discussed that although Catholicism is preferred in the significant other, it wasn't quite a requirement [as phrases of "flirt and convert" were included in the dialog.]

As I was in class and using a video feed, I couldn't really talk so I diagrammed a chart to visually explain my stance on Catholicism in the relationship known as: the Catholic Attractiveness Ratio chart, which I've recreated below.

The chart depicts the acceptable level of  Catholicism and attractiveness found in one's significant other— the shaded section is the area of acceptance: the more attractive the significant other is, the more tolerant one would be of a person being 'less Catholic.'  The inverse is depicted in that a 'more Catholic' person need not be quite as attractive; however there is a minimum standard of attractiveness that one must accept shown by the vertical line labeled "Standards."

I also had economics that day, which further allows me to explain that despite the simplicity of the chart, there are more factors involved.  Due to the nature of society, we have a larger percentage of 'less Catholic' found in the middle area of attraction with a diminishing return shown by the curve in line S [Supply].  (If I've lost you, bear with me as I tie it together in the end)

A mirrored line is created showing a higher demand in attractiveness of the significant other with diminishing returns as well.






When both these socio-factors are combined, a new cross section is created which depicts the true factors involved in the CAR chart.

my allegory on exes.

The other day I was speaking with a friend about her recent breakup.  She was asking for my advice, but it was difficult for me to have her understand why she shouldn't go back into that [hurtful] relationship and that she needed to move on.  Like a switch flipping in my on in my head, I came up with an allegory she could possibly relate to (this is probably something you would hear from Sex and the City)

An ex in essence is like a pair of shoes that are uncomfortable but you really like.  You're drawn to them; there is something about them that appeals to you.  You overlook the discomfort while you wear them because you really like them: the design, the style, their cuteness, whatever it is about them that keeps them continuously on your feet.  Eventually your feet hurt as the shoes cause blisters and sores, but they're still your favorite pair of shoes and it's hard to let go.  You even try changing the shoes with inserts or cushions but they're still inherently a bad fit.

One day you're fed up with the shoes and decide that you are no longer going to wear them because of all the pain they have caused-- a gradual build up from the progressive and continuous wear.  You finally realize that everything you liked about the shoes were not worth the trouble.

You eventually move forward, but reminisce about the time spent with the shoes; you only remember all the good places the shoes have taken you, and overlook the forgotten past pains they have caused-- the injuries that are inevitable if you wear them again.  You sometimes even long for the shoes because in the lengthy period you wore them, you found comfort in the uncomfortable. In some cases, you dispose of the shoe, but stumble upon a newer refined version of the same shoe and think to yourself "Oh, it's a new shoe which has definitely changed and I won't have the same issues from my first experience."

The shoe has always been, and still will be a bad fit.

My advice then is to remember the good times you had, but also learn from them; then move on and realize there's a shoe out there with a better fit.  A rainbow sandal perhaps?